What Next?

-- By SarahSchnorrenberg - 01 Jun 2017

At First I Was Afraid, I Was Petrified

I like law school. You may say, of course, why wouldn’t you like learning about the career you chose for yourself? But before starting in August, I worried I had not chosen to go to law school for an innate love of the legal system but because I was a risk-adverse control freak who wanted a certain future. I was certain that my peers would all have noble reasons for coming to law school—their desire to save the environment or protect fundamental human rights—or at least be completely certain about their decision to come to law school after working as a paralegal for a few years. Next to them, I worried that I would lack passion and just become another stereotypical automaton lawyer.

Almost a year later, I know I made the right choice in coming to law school. Academically, I’ve loved the material. Even Property, which I had dreaded taking for fear of falling asleep in class, came alive. (Of course, it may have just been more interesting in comparison to Contracts). I’m excited to learn more, and the list of classes I want to take vastly exceeds the number of classes I will be able to take.

Beyond law school, my future options seem so much exciting than they were before. Law school has offered far more career paths that I actually would like to take (and quite a few I do not). A whole new world in which I can work has opened up to me.

It's Not Always Sunny

I do, however, still have reservations about law school. It is a professional school, and tries to mold us into the ideal lawyer (which just so happens to be a corporate associate at a BigLaw firm). I worry that in my excitement to enter the legal field, I will lose myself. I’ve already seen it happen to a certain extent. I have always been vocal, and in undergrad I probably contributed too much. But my voice has been silent in law school. In a complete 180, I’ve learned to fear sharing my opinion and the censure that it may bring if my opinion does not please others.

There is one moment of my 1L year that I doubt I will ever forget. On International Women’s Day, a few student groups hosted a panel of female lawyers discussing their experiences in the workforce. They were all partners or associates at big firms. When another girl in my section asked these women to talk about what to do when they are required to perform femininity, one of the lawyers responded she did nothing. She stated that, at the end of the day, she represented her clients, and if she had to wear pantyhose and a smile in order to please a male judge and win a case for her clients, she would. I agreed with her completely, and this reaction has horrified me. While I may not view pantyhose as too large a sacrifice to achieve in my career, what else will I put up with in order to get ahead? I don’t want to just “grin and bear it” for the rest of my life.

How to Succeed in Law Without Becoming an Automaton?

I’ve wanted to be partner for as long as I’ve wanted to be a lawyer, and even before I knew I wanted to be a litigator. Will I still want to be a partner in ten years? Possibly not, but as someone said, shoot for the moon because even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars. In the end, I just want to succeed in my field, whatever that ends up looking like.

The wrinkle is, of course, that to succeed as a litigator is most likely going to require me to become someone I’m not, whether that be smiling in skirt suits and ignoring the use of diminutives or defending unsavory government and business practices. My life will be kowtowing to my client.

As a mere law student, I cannot divine the future nor how to counteract it. I have no clue what I will face, and cannot claim now that I will change the system from the inside or whatever else the lawyers at diversity panels say I can do. Like some friends, I could apply to the law firms with the most pro bono hours to assuage my guilt. But when I join a firm, whatever idealistic goals I set now will probably fade away as I do whatever helps me to achieve. I cannot just mitigate a career choice—I have to make a conscious choice from the beginning.

Oh, the Places You'll Go

I need to keep my eyes open. I have been so certain that I wanted to be a partner, that I have blinded myself from other jobs. I have attended so many lunch panels that explore different career paths, but been too distracted by the prospect of free roti roll to actually think about the panel. So many different career options have presented themselves, but I have not given them proper attention.

When Carrie Goldberg visited to talk about starting a firm devoted to combating revenge porn, I sat rapt through the talk. Her work sounded so enthralling and rewarding. But I never once thought to myself, “Maybe I could do work like this.” Instead, I sat through the talk, jealous, because I knew I would never take the risk to do what she had done.

Chances are I will never have the guts that Carrie Goldberg had in starting a firm. But I should not view my future opportunities as a stark dichotomy between risk I would never take and a stifling firm job. In the next two years, I need to think far more actively about all the possibilities open to me and not limit myself to a default career.

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