Anxiety keeps the human body in a constant state of fight or flight. But this feeling for me just feels contradictory. Why must I feel this way? I look good on paper. Tall able-bodied HBCU grad who has lived in almost every corner of the country and has finally touched down in the city of dreams at one of the most prestigious schools in the world. Yet I’m still frightened. Law school if anything has made it much worse. I’m told I just need to practice being social and I’ll get better or competence begets confidence, so I just need to find something I’m good at. In this excerpt I imagine a student in a similar position, looking for competence, trying to be confident, by applying for a study abroad program that sells itself on the promise that by doing it, he will be loved, he will feel at home.

Why?

Competence sir. I-I tell you now. I aint the most confident man out here. I done been a nomad, refugee, drifter. I aint from nowhere. I ain't got no home. I ain't ever felt at home in this world and I ain’t got no skill set to rely on when I end up somewhere new, save for on the field. Them fields bout the only thing I ever cultivated. But I can work sir. Ain’t no one that can outwork me. If you grant me the opportunity sir, I can become a competent man. I won’t need a home as I’ll feel at home in my skin and I know I can handle myself wherever I go. Won’t be just some low man or drifter no more. I’ll be confident.

Are you doing this to be loved?

Ain't that why we do anything sir? Love. I-It don’t t come unconditionally. Gotta provide something.

That’s not a healthy way of approaching this son.

Sir. I could be honest with you o-or tell you what you wanna hear. I can say that (code-switching, even stops stuttering) “I am looking forward to pursuing this opportunity as I believe it will provide me with an education and experiences that will grant me incomparable benefits for the rest of my life. It will provide me with the opportunity to become a fully competent man prepared for the world. I’ve always wanted to travel the world and knew one day I’d wear the powder blue and cream. Service, work ethic, and grit will me become a man” I could tell you that. But I’ve traveled the world, sir. I did the labor they did for free and called service. And quite honestly I don't care for the colors. I just want to travel but on different terms than what I have been.

What terms do you think you’ll be able to travel on this time?

Up until now, I been forced to relocate looking for scraps, hoping to survive, alone. This time it’s on my own terms, or at least more favorable terms and a family waiting for me at the end.

I understand. Well, do you have any questions for me?

When did you become a renaissance man, and how has it-

I didn’t. I'm here for oversight. We’re trying to ensure those who participate in the mandatory study abroad program have an ample opportunity to participate in this “elevated” opportunity. You’ve been very honest with me so I’ll level with you. You add just as much value to this world as you do now as you will after this year is over. Just in this interview, I’ve gathered you are an intelligent young man. But you are young. You don't need this to be the man you want to be. You are going to embark on an experience that very few people get to make, but if you do it just to be loved or to pass a test, it will be all for naught. It is a beautiful world, at least it can be, and I am sorry that what you’ve experienced hasn’t been favorable. I hope this year you’re able to admire and enjoy the simple things. I don’t know the inner workings of this process but I need you to know love, respect, and kindness are not something you earn. You deserve it. It’s not transactional. This shit don’t change nothing. You’re already a ma- voice cracks.

Here's your calendar. In this you will find your calendar, test, and pages for your mandatory journal entries. Protect it with your life. If you have any questions contact the number on the inside of the back cover. If you fail to pass a test you will not be able to move to the next location. You are not allowed to break the seal to the test/assignment before you make it to that location. If you choose to accept this commitment please say I do.

I do.

You are free to open your calendar.

Is this…forreal..?!!

52 weeks, 26 countries, 26 mental and physical assemssments.

Along with the sealed physical and/or competency assessment the applicant must pass written test on an elementary history of the country, memorize conversion rates to the U.S. Dollar.

At the end the candidate must be conversational in five languages of their choice and learn to play one instrument (cannot be an instrument you’ve known how to play prior)

Failure to complete 22 of the 26 assignments within the given time period will result in the dismissal of your candidacy.