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| | | -- By Leyla Hadi - 25 Feb 2013 | |
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< | What I Want | >
> | What I Want | | | My career isn't the most important thing to me. I don't want it to be. But I want it to be important, and I want it to be meaningful, and I don't think I want to be "influential". | |
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< | I believe I have found the person with whom I want to walk through this magical and abysmal world; and so, to deal with the practical, real world stuff, I want to be able to make money so that we can live well. That includes paying off debt, which is something I've never dealt with before, and terrifies the crap out of me. That also includes the unconventional realities of a same-sex relationship: the $2400 fees for a three month "subscription" to a sperm bank which allows you to receive extensive details about the donor. The expenses that come with insemination. | >
> | I believe I have found the person with whom I want to walk through this magical and abysmal world; and so, to deal with the practical, real world stuff, I want to be able to make money so that we can live well. That includes paying off debt, which is something I've never dealt with before, and terrifies the crap out of me. That also includes the unconventional realities of a same-sex relationship: the $2400 fees for a three month "subscription" to a sperm bank which allows you to receive extensive details about the donor. The expenses that come with insemination. Et cetera. | | | I'll do what I have to do for a while to make money. I'll meet people to expand my network, I'll educate myself, and I'll question often and hard what I want, what I'm working towards, whether I'm happy, whether I'm helping the people I want to be helping, how I can take the next steps to get where I want to go. This semester provided me with enough education to know to be aware of the ways people are stunted and inhibited from networking and learning necessary skills to become independent lawyers. | |
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< | Distorted version: I wanted to do something challenging with my career, but, being twenty-one, I wasn't sure what that was, and I didn't want to force myself down a particular route. People I spoke with advised me to consider law school, where I would be in a challenging environment that would open many more doors for me. So, I took their advice and took a year off in between to work at a law firm and see if I could see myself in the legal world. Turns out, I could.
Truth: I decided to go to law school because I had no idea what else to do with my life. I knew that I wanted to stay in the US. I knew that I wanted to do something. A part of me wanted to do good/fight for issues that I care strongly about. Another wanted to get rich. Another wanted to act. The world was my oyster; but not really, because life puts a gun to your head and forces you to make decisions. Practical stuff gets in the way. A visa. Money. Stability.
If the world were my oyster, I definitely would not be in law school. | | | What type of law do you see yourself practicing and/or where do you see yourself taking your career? | |
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< | Distorted version: I am actually not sure what I would like to do. I definitely find areas of practice interesting, including IP and labor law, but I haven't had enough exposure to really be able to say at this time. | >
> | If the world were my oyster, I definitely would not be in law school. Here I am though. And very lucky to be. I have spent the last few weeks working at a regional firm in Rochester, receiving assignments that entail researching various issues and writing numerous memoranda. Unexpectedly, I have enjoyed it. I like the process of figuring out the answer, molding the facts, presenting the logic behind my argument. Unfortunately, I find myself falling asleep reading certain cases because I don't find the topic interesting in the least. I don't necessarily care about the solution, or the clients for whom I'm looking. | | | | |
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< | Truth: I have no idea where I see myself taking my career; and I have no idea what type of law I see myself practicing. I want to figure it out, and the classes thus far have done little to help. Granted, there are a ton of resources here, from professors, to clinics, to courses. But how does any of it help me decide, help me with the choice? How will working at your firm this summer guide me? It won't. LGBT rights, immigration reform, criminal justice system reform, advocating against the death penalty, advocating for the legalization of marijuana, education reform, working with music leasing, bringing down evil corporations, working on US-Pakistan relations, representing the Lakers, representing celebrities, abortion… there is so much I am interested in but again, there's a gun to my head. I can't just jump from each area like I live in some kind of gargantuan legal rotational system. I have to go down a path. Even if I do end up working at a firm, how do I know where to go that will help me learn about any of the above? | >
> | I still have very little idea of where I see myself taking my career, but I have reached a point where it is something I actively want to think about and question, as opposed to how I felt at the beginning of the semester. Like I mentioned in earlier drafts of this paper, there are very many areas I find interesting, worthwhile, or both. Of them, I will probably edge towards working for LGBT, women, or immigrant rights, or in the entertainment industry. One substantial, the other only a personal interest. I think, if I am to work at a firm, I should either try and work in litigation or in labor/employment. If I ultimately want to go into public interest, having a litigation background is going to do me more good (even if a small amount) than a corporate/transactional background. Because there is always that gun to my head, I have to go down a path. Maybe working at a firm won't actually do anything for me; maybe all it will do is make me miserable. Maybe I will only truly appreciate the benefits of an independent path once I have been in chains. | | | How the Hell Do I Get There | |
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< | I do have a general pessimistic attitude about the world, and do believe that forces of evil have made the world, and will continue to make the world, a very bad and sad place. But my last draft was defeatist nonsense, and I don't know why I realized that so soon after reading the comments, or why I had convinced myself of that for so long. I don't know as yet if I will actually accomplish change in the grand scheme of things -- if I will make an impact on the world at large, or at least, some part of the ridiculous system and structure through which we march on. But, I should do good, for a few people, for people who need it. I should because I believe in good, and because I will be in a position to do good.
But this realization brings about a barrage of other questions and issues to sort out and really figure out. If I know that I need to be an employee for the next few years, if I know that I want to make money to get this phantom Debt out of my head and to eventually support a family, how will I figure out what I really want to do and how do I utilize the next two years at this establishment to help me get there? The next steps seem so rigid. I don't want to be boxed up doing just one thing.
You needed to erase my
prior comments, which made no sense interlineated with your revised
draft. I've cleaned that up. | >
> | The short-term plan is less clear than the long-term. I know I want to do good. Despite my general pessimistic attitude about the world, and despite my belief that greedy rich white men will always run the world, I can make a difference, even if it impacts a handful of people. I was unable to reconcile living in a rigid, ridiculous system that can't be penetrated (and thus one which we must do our best to stay afloat), with the idea that I can still help a few people without sacrificing myself and my happiness. For years, I felt guilt for not moving back to Pakistan, and eventually dealt with it by saying I come first, not the people of that country, and because I come first I will stay here so I can live a better life. Which in turn changed my view regarding my role in the world into a black-and-white, selfish or selfless existence. | | | | |
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< | This draft reflects the confusion better that underlay some
unnecessarily energetic pronouncements last draft. Considering,
imaginatively, some roles you could play, some work you could do, is
the necessary first step. Birds still in the nest dream of flying.
It is not, of course, precisely how you dream it will be. But there
is never a moment when you box yourself in without knowing, without
making decisions you could reimagine rather than submitting to. | >
> | The paralysis has finally ended. I spent this first year of school making the motions, doing what needed to be done. I was passive. Even though I don't know where I'm going, or even the exact steps of how to get there, I know I need to start acting. Talk to people, participate in everything I find remotely interesting, explore, reflect. Maybe I'm stuck in the system, most people are. But I've already broken out of one system. I now know I shouldn't throw my hands up in defeat within another. | | | | |
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