The problem is that I did not want to imagine where I would be or would want to be that far in the future. There is something confining about deciding where I want to be in X years. There is something daunting about certainty. This is a part of me that makes it difficult to imagine my future, even though there is another part of me that desperately wants to imagine.

My decision to come to law school stemmed from experiences where I saw the impact that even the most minor criminal offense could have on a person’s life. In addition to the deprivation of liberty in a physical sense, I saw how criminal penalties could also impact a person’s self-perception, others’ perception of that person, and a person’s overall outlook on life. I also saw that an arrest sometimes could actually be beneficial for some by forcing them to look at their lifestyle and motivate them to change for the better. Having a good support network could be instrumental for this. I imagined myself becoming a public defender at a holistic defender’s office so that I could help clients overcome their criminal charges and change their life for the better.

My answers to these questions waver depending on who is answering (at times I have told people I no longer want to become a public defender, and at times I have told people I still do), and the only certainty I now have about wanting to be a public defender is that I am now conflicted. While I hope my experiences this summer at a public defender’s office will help me with this ambivalence, part of me feels that it will be more helpful in providing experiences to help with imagining my future practice. This is because part of me realizes that my uncertainty is not just about whether I want to be a public defender, but about what it means if I decide I do not want to do the thing that inspired me to come to law school.

The simple answer is that overall, I am enjoying law school. I enjoy being challenged like never before, I enjoy the people I am around (even though it is mostly virtual), I am learning and growing, and in the end, I will have a degree that will at the very least lend some credibility to wherever it is my imagination ends up taking me.

In addition, I have spent many walks, many talks, and many thoughts this semester trying to better understand myself and what I want, hoping it will help me imagine a practice that meets all my needs.

Instead of answers though, I am now faced with more uncertainty in understanding myself and what I want than when I started law school.

I believe this uncertainty comes from the same state that is concerned about imagining my future. While this uncertainty is not satisfying in the interim, I do not believe this part of me is detrimental. On the contrary, this part of me can be beneficial if I can use it in harmony with the part of me that wants to imagine. As the world hopefully opens up from the pandemic, there will be more opportunities for new experiences and new perspectives which will fuel imagination. I am certain that these uncertainties will be on the top of my mind as some of the most pressing needs for my imagination to answer.

The Imagination Test – It’s easy if you try, it isn’t hard to do, but I wonder if you can

-- By EthanSinger - 13 Apr 2021

The Struggle of Imagination – Forcing it

One of the questions I’ve always struggled with the most during interviews is “Where do you see yourself in X years?”

While preparing for the interviews I could never imagine where I would be in X years because I didn’t want to imagine where I would be or even wanted to be in X years. After some reflection, it seems to have to do with the idea that there’s something scary about deciding where I want to be in X years. There is something scary about certainty. It’s confining. Even after reflecting on this, I realize that still, not all of me wants to imagine my future.

The Simplicity of Imagination – Letting it happen

Yet, I do imagine. For instance, imagination is why I applied to law school.

My decision to come to law school stemmed from experiences where I got to see the impact that even the most minor criminal penalties could have on a persons life. In addition to the diminishment of physical liberties from confinement, I saw how criminal penalties could impact a person’s self-perception, others’ perception of that person, and a person’s overall outlook on life. I also saw how for some, with the right support network, the hardships from criminal penalties could actually be a wakeup call that could provide motivation for some people to change their life for the better. I imagined myself becoming a public defender at a holistic defenders office and helping people facing criminal charges change their life for the better.

My Realities of Imagination

It’s been almost two year since I first started imagining myself as a public defender, and in terms of picturing my future law practice, it hasn’t progressed quite as I imagined.

Since starting law school, doubts about being a public defender have arisen or become more prominent in my thinking. Will the pay be enough for me? What role did my mother being a public defender play in me wanting to be a public defender, and what does that mean? When I imagine myself defending people, does that include defending people that have committed acts such as rape? To what extent would I actually be changing people’s lives for the better?

My answers to these questions depend on who is answering (at times I’ve told people I no longer want to become a public defender, and at times I’ve told people I still do), and the only certainty I now have about wanting to be a public defender is that I am now conflicted. While I hope my experiences this summer at a public defender’s office will help me with this conflict, part of me feels that it will be more helpful in providing experiences to help with imagining my future practice. This is because part of me realizes that the conflict isn’t just about whether I want to be a public defender or not, but about what it means if I decide I don’t want to do the thing that inspired me to come to law school.

Imagining Returning to Law School

If I applied to law school wanting to become a public defender, and I decide I no longer want to become a public defender, it raises the question of whether I should return to law school.

It’s tough to seriously consider the question however, because despite the realistic chance that I decide I no longer want to become a public defender, I’ve never doubted that I plan on returning to law school. To help in considering the question then, I’ve tried to understand why it’s something I’ve never doubted.

The simple answer is that overall, I’m enjoying law school. I’m being challenged like I’ve never been challenged before, I enjoy the people I’m around (even though it’s mostly virtual), I’m learning, I’m growing, and in the end, I’ll have a degree that will at the very least lend some credibility to wherever it is my imagination ends up taking me.

Most importantly though, while there’s uncertainty in me becoming a public defender, I still want to do the thing that inspired me to come to law school. I still want to help change people’s life for the better. While that may not be in the form of a public defender, it doesn’t mean I shouldn’t return to law school, but just that I should remember the importance of imagining.

Imagining Going forward

As much as I recognize the importance of imagining, part of me does not want to imagine my future (as mentioned earlier). However, this doesn’t mean I can’t imagine my future. I’ve done it before. And though the part of me that doesn’t want to imagine my future won’t recognize that since I’ve imagined my future before and wasn’t confined, it may mean that imagining with certainty isn’t actually confining, that doesn’t mean this part of me is detrimental in me imagining my future.

I’ve spent many walks, many talks, and many thoughts this semester trying to better understand myself and what I want, hoping it would help me imagine a practice that met all my needs. Instead of answers though, I’m now faced with more uncertainty in understanding myself and what I want than when I started. I believe this uncertainty comes from the same state that is concerned about imagining my future. While this uncertainty isn’t satisfying in the interim, it’s useful in that it provides complexities for me to answer to when I do imagine my future. As the world hopefully opens up from the pandemic, and opportunities for new perspectives and experiences increase and provide fuel for my imagination, I am certain that these uncertainties will be on the top of my mind as some of the most pressing needs for my imagination to answer.

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