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Reflections on Splitting |
| | I sat on graduation day thinking: yes, this is what I will do with my life; I will help children who need advocates. Yet I had, months prior, accepted a position as a financial analyst at a global investment bank, to work on behalf of the “high net worth” and the “ultra high net worth”. |
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< | And so I graduated with a clear conception of the work to which I wanted to devote my life, but instead I spent my days analyzing financial statements, plugging numbers into Excel. I felt discomfort from the dissonance of these realities. |
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> | I graduated with a clear conception of the work to which I wanted to devote my life, but instead I spent my days analyzing financial statements, plugging numbers into Excel. I felt discomfort from the dissonance of these realities. |
| | Initially, I attempted to reframe my perception of my behaviors. I rationalized that the time I spent working on the seventh iteration of a Powerpoint slide was ultimately helping our clients, somehow, to meet their financial goals. But even if I am helping them, in some (extremely) attenuated way, I’d inevitably think seconds later, they certainly aren’t the ones I’m passionate about helping. |
| | Unlike the narrator in Bartleby, I never saw a ghost, a manifestation of my split, a representation of everything I wanted to be. I feel fortunate that perhaps I hadn't fully repressed or split from my desires as to what I want my life’s work to be, and so the strength of these desires pulled me back together. |
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< | Since beginning law school, I have grown increasingly anxious in trying to stay true to my convictions, to pursue work in children’s rights upon graduation. As the reality of financial burden set in, I made hypothetical compromises: what if I work at a firm a couple years, pay off my loans, then do what I came here to do? |
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> | Since beginning law school, I have grown increasingly anxious in trying to stay true to my convictions, to pursue work in children’s rights upon graduation. As the reality of financial burden set in, I made hypothetical compromises: what if I postpone my true ambitions, work at a firm a couple years, pay off my loans, then do what I came here to do? |
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< | I recognized the irrationality of these compromises, especially upon realization that I've already been down this road: dissonance, rationalizations, splitting, coming back together. I was disconcerted by the possibility of beginning this cycle anew, by the possibility of subconsciously splitting once more, living an eminently safe life haunted by a ghost I cannot see. |
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> | I recognized the irrationality of these compromises, especially upon realization that I've already been down this road: dissonance, rationalizations, splitting, coming back together. I was disconcerted by the possibility of beginning this cycle anew, splitting once more, unconsciously living an eminently safe life haunted by a ghost I cannot see. |
| | The Way Forward |
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< | Our class discourse has made me more self-aware of my career choices to date; I have greater clarity and understanding of my journey. As such my anxiety has somewhat eased as I re-focus on why I split before and how to avoid splitting again – and I think the answer lies in Elie Wiesel’s message, the words that inspired me at graduation. |
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> | Reflecting on my career path to date has made me more self-aware of the limits of my rationality, and has imparted greater understanding of how I will take control of my life within the parameters of those limits. Ultimately I think the answer lies in Elie Wiesel’s message, the words that inspired me at graduation. |
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< | Rationalizations fall away; it becomes easier to stay on the ‘right’ side of justice, when I realize that there is in fact at least one person, one future client, I can help. |
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> | For me the rationalizations fall away and it becomes easier to stay conscious and whole, on the right side of justice, when I realize there is in fact at least one person - one future client - who I can help. |
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< | Essentially, that client is me. She is a child, or many children, in whom I see the reflection of my scared, helpless ten-year-old self. So ultimately, I will pursue a career on the right side so I may help those children, give them a voice where they might otherwise be rendered silent, just as somebody once did for me. |
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> | Essentially, that client is me. She is a child, or many children, in whom I see the reflection of my scared, helpless ten-year-old self. And so I will pursue a career on the right side so I may help those children, give them a voice where they might otherwise be rendered silent, just as somebody once did for me. |
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