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KeeryongSongFirstPaper 6 - 12 Dec 2009 - Main.BrianS
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 I really appreciate your sincere comment. Since we are having a great time while experiencing a viewpoint which we were not used to our whole lives, I think both of us are going to gain a lot when this semester ends.

-- KeeryongSong - 04 Dec 2009



I enjoyed reading your essay. Thanks for sharing your personal account of coming to New York. I will try to provide a few suggestions, as you requested.

A few structural things. The sentence "It is not only because I have a financial friendly result of my career aptitude test." was a bit confusing to me. I understand the point of the sentence is to communicate that a career aptitude test indicated you would be well-suited to a job as a corporate lawyer, but the "financial" adjective confused me and made me wonder if the sentence instead refers to a career aptitude result that indicated you would be well-suited to a job in finance generally. Also, the sentence "The investment bankers looked like “racing horses” since they had the money and had the physical ability to run, but they did know the rules of racing, or how to race." seems to be missing a "not" in "but they did not know the rules of racing ...." Finally, the sentence "After being questioned these questions," would read better if rephrased.

I don't have any substantive comments because your essay already does what I believe you intend it to do: it communicates the story of your reevaluating the life that you thought you wanted to live, and questioning the road ahead in light of new experiences. I agree with you that it is generally wise to reconsider the road you are taking often, because mistakes or bad choices will usually only be revealed if you stop to look for them. You are also right: it is particularly important to consider the road now, for the next step we take (into a legal position) will have substantial (though not necessarily dispositive) weight in the course of life.

I hope these comments are helpful.

-- BrianS - 12 Dec 2009


Revision 6r6 - 12 Dec 2009 - 06:50:30 - BrianS
Revision 5r5 - 04 Dec 2009 - 04:53:42 - KeeryongSong
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