A Second Trip: Critical Self-Examination and Hopes for Growth

-- By SherieGertler - 14 May 2012

Travelling to "Help"

The first time I moved to Africa I was 21 years old, unattached, and much more idealistic than I am now. I was still scared – my mother was convinced I would die, and my childhood pediatrician had lectured me for hours on things I could and could not eat in the refugee camp – but I also felt that what I was doing was important enough to take that risk. The CEO of the organization I was working for was fearless and clearly looked down upon nerves or hesitancy, and so I held my questions about security and reminded myself I was going to “help.”

The camp was more dangerous than she had let on. I found this out on my first day there, when, on a bike ride to a tall hill where I would be able to get cellphone service to tell my parents I had made it, I was chased by a group of wild dogs and had to turn around. Our “guards” were actually hired by the UN to watch the property our compound was on, not us, so they were – to put it mildly – less dedicated (and sober) than I would have hoped.

Still, at least in the beginning, I naively thought we were helping people with our English classes and microfinance loans, so when money was stolen out of our cash box or when I threw up and prayed it wasn’t malaria, I maintained that it was all worthwhile for the one refugee who could leave and get a job using new skills, or the one woman who had the courage to part from an abusive husband against the community’s wishes.

Belly of the Beast

Ultimately, however, we made little impact. It has taken a long time for me to admit that because it seems to diminish everything that happened. The biggest thing to come from the experience was my change of heart. Lesson learned: it takes more than good will, a little money, and a few mzungus to change the course of a refugee camp. I did, nevertheless, see glimpses of the belly of the beast and that has proved to be the most valuable takeaway. You cannot hope to effect change if you don’t understand where the issues lie, why the change is necessary, and what obstacles stand in your way. When I left, I vowed to learn more before returning.

Travelling to Learn

I leave for Monrovia, Liberia in less than two weeks, which is likely why my last trip to Africa is top of mind. Though this trip is shorter, to a radically different country on the other side of the continent, I can’t help but liken it to the return I anticipated three years ago. Yet, I do not feel ready.

After one year of law school, I feel further from knowing what shape my career will take. I left my job at a non-profit because I felt the focus on fundraising and donor cultivation was taking me in the wrong direction. However, if that position was leading me down the wrong fork, law school has taken me completely off track. While the courses have been intermittently stimulating, the only skill I have developed – as far as I can see – is the ability to memorize information and recognize when to regurgitate it on an exam.

I am extremely self-critical when thinking about my place in this line of work, because I have seen individuals in the field become burdens instead of assets while maintaining a “White Savior Industrial Complex,” as Teju Cole coined it. In response to the Kony2012 campaign, Cole wrote, “We must do such things only with awareness of what else is involved. If we are going to interfere in the lives of others, a little due diligence is a minimum requirement.”

Having come to terms with the fact that, on my last assignment, I had more responsibility than my experience should have allowed, and more authority in the camp than a just world demands, I hope this time I travel more honestly, acknowledging it is more for myself than those I go to meet.

Objectives

I need to learn what the intersection of lawyering and peace-building looks like in other nations. I need to learn how to apply studied knowledge and critical thinking in the context of another’s culture, engendering repercussions in another’s nation. I am 25 years old, with a life in New York now, and I know I will not be taking any long-term assignments abroad in the next few years. However, I still feel passionately about my day job reflecting a cause I believe in, and my academic background and professional experience have taught me that if every minute eight under-five children die in sub-Saharan Africa, that should be my first priority.

Though I am lacking the growth of intellectual capacity and knowledge I had wanted for myself upon returning, I am not lacking a growth in maturity. I am not blindly offering help by virtue of my presence, but doing my “due diligence” as part of my educational development toward a law degree.

As suggested in my First Paper, I realized early on that this year would demand a shift in focus. I no longer hope to learn our legal system to take it elsewhere. Rather, what the past few months and this class have taught me is that my focus should be on critical thinking and the optimization of the use of words and ideas to accomplish objectives. The day that Eben said that lawyering does not necessarily have to be about the law I felt I could finally exhale and be honest with myself, as I have grown increasingly more aware that I feel little connection to the law and my future in it. At the same time, I am open to the ideas and conversations that float through our school from time to time and I now plan to selfishly pick through this education, absorb the parts I need, and put aside the rest.

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(Eben, I would like to continue editing after the semester. Thank you!)