Like most sermons, this one does not depend on being concise to achieve its purpose. But you have to in order to achieve yours. So the sermon's ideas can be summarized in three or four sentences, which allows you to do something else with the space, which in order to improve the draft you need to do.

Desire for praise and recognition breeds both conformism and narcissism: the social trait in the personality state the preacher is calling the drum major reinforces mutually the combination of grandiosity and insecurity that comprises the narcissist's chorus. Structures of repentance and absolution that make use of moral weaknesses to achieve salvational goals are everywhere in the Christian world, crucial to both Franciscan and Jesuit strategies of pastoral guidance, and being used here to rather different ends.

Now you want in this essay to take this formulation and apply it instead to the process of becoming a lawyer. This seems like a very good idea. The best route to improvement seems to me to be to focus there fore the bulk of the essay's space. Dealing with this kind of personality state, if a someone becoming a lawyer has one, presupposes not only some simple cognitive behavior therapy—procedures for talking the insecure states up and the grandiose ones down—but also some deeper thinking about how we become that way in our early attachment experiences, and how the states that grew up to handle the conditions of our early upbringing have remained with us into law school. That will help to turn some of what we automatically do in the drum major role into choices, ways we choose to behave. Not being automatically switched into a role can be enough to trigger reconfiguration of states, new patterns of thought and behavior, what we call "change." I think change is the real subject here. With a little compression, rethinking, and rewriting you can both explain and enact it here.